


Grim Auxiliatrix

by FlipSpring



Series: Operation Invasion [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Gen, background whatever, except not really, there's sGrub tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-11
Updated: 2013-06-11
Packaged: 2017-12-14 11:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/836600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlipSpring/pseuds/FlipSpring
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>All young trolls of the age of Six Sweeps will be subjected to the Alternian Fleet sGrub Evaluation Game</em>
</p><p>Starring: Kanaya Maryam and her trepidatious flushed feelings for Vriska Serket.<br/>Also of note: Kanaya Maryam's mother meets her timely end, and Feferi Peixes peruses the news.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grim Auxiliatrix

It was beautiful day outside, and Kanaya Maryam was tending to her garden. She was accompanied in her throttlevine-pruning and snapperbloom-weeding by her mother, who stood over her, translucent wings threaded with white and jade spread to shield her daughter just a little from the harsh, burning sunlight.

Kanaya kneeled on the baked, sandy ground, hands gloved with thick red dragonhide as she made busy use of the clippers. A soft hum shimmered in the air like alien music as her mother sang quietly through her thorax, and the waves of midday heat rose around them in mirages, and it was all told a perfect day. Almost.

It had been in Kanaya's dream the night prior that her mother had let her know that she would die the following day. Kanaya had cried and pleaded, teeth chattering with words that her mother would not understand. _I am only six sweeps! How will I live without you? How will I survive alone?_ Her mother simply soothed her; singing, dreaming for them a calming landscape of pastel desert and scorching winds, empty sky. Kanaya wept, unwilling to accept it, demanding explanation, for which there was none. Death comes when it does, and a virgin Mother Grub does not live long. Her mother reminded Kanaya so, and when Kanaya had calmed enough, her mother asked of her a final favor. Of course Kanaya could not refuse.

As she snipped at her plants, Kanaya pretended not to notice how her mother's thin legs trembled with the effort to hold up her weight. At the back of Kanaya's mind she felt a flurry of final worries, not all her own. Her mother was telling her to keep safe. That she could do this, she was a strong girl. That she was ready. That the end is coming. That the beginning is far away. That the water star awaits. That the mammaliacide is under the kitchen sink, and to remember to use it regularly lest the hive get overrun. And floss your fangs, every night. 

_Remember, Kanaya._

_Do not tell anyone until the time is right._

_Remember your promise to me._

_I am always yours._

And then a murky silence, and Kanaya quickly scrambled out from under her mother's shade, kicking sand all over herself in haste. Her mother trembled, and sank slowly down, a white stone falling through water and settling upon the sand. She blinked at Kanaya. Kanaya hugged her huge, untrollish face. And her mother breathed out one last time, and suddenly it was as though she'd turned to deadweight, graceless rubble. 

Her wings fluttered with the wind and her eyes gazed emptily skyward. 

Kanaya removed her chainsaw from her Strife deck. 

She had a promise to fulfill. 

* 

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] started trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] –

CA: wwell that's a surprise  
CA: absolutely nobodys been trollin me lately i wwas like startin to get wworried none a you wwere evver gonna evver again  
GA: Perhaps If You Corrected Your Atrocious Grammar Then Somebody Would Find Your Detestable Company Worthwhile  
CA: kan you reely knoww howw to cheer a guy up ya knoww that?  
CA: like damn girl i am so fuckin cheered right noww no joke  
GA: Please Withhold The Insults To My Intelligence  
GA: I Am Perfectly Aware That I Am Not Here To Cheer  
GA: If You Were Under The Impression That I Am Trolling You For Your Benefit Then You Were Strenuously Mistaken  
CA: as usual noone givves a pile a shit wwhat im perchonally goin through  
GA: Eridan I Am Here To Solicit Your Counsel  
CA: your wwhat  
GA: You Are No More Shocked Than I  
CA: oh my cod kan wwould you givve me a break, you're riding me mercilessly into the surf here  
CA: wwater you trolling me aboat already  
GA: Sigh  
GA: I Am Sorry  
GA: I Am Simply Dealing With  
GA: Things That I Am Not About To Go Into With You  
GA: Or Anyone For That Matter  
GA: I Just Wanted To Ask You About Vriska  
GA: How Is She  
CA: are you kidding we are through as fuck and the evvaluation is comin up. AS IF im payin any attention to her anymore  
CA: i'm so ovver her ok  
CA: ovver like  
CA: a parachute  
CA: or something, i dunno aerial puns aren't my thing  
GA: Ah  
GA: Sorry  
GA: She Has Not Been Trolling Me Either  
CA: wwoww you'vve been sunk havvent you  
CA: wwelcome to the loww tides  
CA: slam a faygo or something ugh wwhatevver  
CA: shes prob red for somebuoy else by noww shes got the attention span of a minnoww  
CA: 8itches, am i right?  
GA: Excuse You  
CA: right, you're not flushed for the lady blah blah blah i forgot  
CA: anyfin else i can do for you?  
GA: Um  
GA: No That Is All  
GA: Take Care Eridan  
GA: Prepare Yourself Lest You Find Yourself Sawn In Half By My Careless Hand  
CA: yeahhhh okay great talking to you too  
GA: ... Indeed

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] -

* 

The night prior to the Alternian Fleet's sGrub Evaluation Game (also known colloquially as simply sGrub or The AFGEG, though nobody knows why it's the G in sGrub that's important), Kanaya Maryam waited patiently in her food preparation block for the gear drop. She would begin playing along with eleven other members the next day, synching her schedule with theirs and forming a tight, chaotic team that would hopefully hold together well enough to face the challenges the game would present them. Now, though, she watched out the window. 

With a dry thud, something landed over on the next sand dune, sending up a cloud of dust. She set out in the night, steely boots slogging through the sand. The desert was an entirely different creature at night, and with the moons on different ends of the horizon, everything was colored with silver-green on one side and effervescent pinks on the other.

She got to the large box, a white cubical thing marked with a single strip of jade (nobody else lived around these parts), found it uncaptchaloguable, and proceeded to wrap her hands around the rope attached, to drag it back home. In other parts of the planet, she imagined other trolls tearing the boxes open and brawling with one another for the supplies. When she opened the box in her kitchen, she found most of it to be empty. What it contained was a couple sparse items: a ball of what appeared to be glossy jade yarn, and a single syringe filled with fizzing, candy-red liquid. 

Well, now she felt silly for not tearing her box open. 

She picked up the ball of yarn first, turning it over in her hands, searching for the end. When she found one, she tried plucking gently at one thread, and suddenly the whole thing fell apart, slipping through her fingers and pooling at her feet in a mass of twitching feelers. When she reached for it, a few threads fastened themselves to her hand. Followed by more, and more, crawling up her sleeves, down her spine, around her ribcage, until every bit of skin that showed through her clothing was veined with jade. Huh. She quickly rushed to the nearest bathroom and examined herself in the mirror. 

Well, the effect was aesthetic enough. She went back to the kitchen for the needle. 

Next, she reached into the box and picked up the syringe. The glassy tube was printed with crisp black letters: 

_Inject needle when you are prepared to play._

She took the needle, carried it with her to her block, stripped her clothes and crawled into her recouperacoon. sGrub was supposed to take two weeks, and she was quite sleepy from having stayed up that night. She would wake up the next day and inject the needle at high sun, join her teammates temporally, and play the game. 

* 

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] started trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] –

GA: Hello Feferi  
CC: Glub glub glub glUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB! 38D  
CC: Wow I am so –EXCIT-------ED!  
GA: Yes  
GA: To Be Honest So Am I  
GA: Although I Do Not Show It Quite As Enthusiastically As You  
CC: )(-E--E )(E---E!  
GA: But Actually I Was Hoping You Had Read That Fleet Article I Had Sent You  
GA: I Found It Quite Fascinating And Almost Nobody Else Reads Fleet News  
GA: Except For You I Suppose  
GA: But I Was Hoping To Discuss It  
CC: O)()()(, you mean t)(e one aboat the glubbing of C)(arybdis?  
GA: Yes  
CC: Y--EA)(, t)(at is so interestingray!  
CC: A w)(ale lot more of a catc)( t)(an t)(e usual conquer conquer conqu---Er glub glub glub.  
CC: ---EXS)(ELL-------ENT work, Miss Sleut)(ypants! Your )(eiress is pleased! 38)  
GA: Feferi It Is Public News And Therefore Hardly Sleuth Work  
CC: S)()()()( my precious P--EARLY girl!  
CC: Be proud of your sleut)(ing! It's really cool news!  
CC: So water you t)(ink? Are t)(ey reely going to go t)(roug)( wit)( it?  
GA: Exporting A Mother Grub To A Foreign Planet Has Never Been Done  
GA: Much Less Exporting One To Another Galaxy  
GA: It Does Make Tactical Sense Not To Keep All Of Our Edible Cluckbeast Ovulations In One Basket So To Speak  
GA: And Logistic Sense To Not Have To Ship All Fresh Soldiers From A Separate Galaxy  
GA: But They Have Not Found A Planet Yet That Is Suitably Identical To Alternia For The Job  
GA: There Is The Health And Genetic Integrity Of The Grubs To Consider  
CC: Gluuuub glub glub glub I suppose that is true. Glub.  
GA: Those Are Some Very Thoughtful Glubs  
CC: Glub glub yes!  
CC: But obviously you must )(ave a pacific interest in the topic. 38?  
CC: Being a Jadeblood and everyfin! )(ow do you feel aboat being maybe shipped to a new planet for the rest of your life?  
GA: It Would Be A Novel Experience Compared To The Alternative  
GA: The Alternative Would Be Returning To Alternia After Training  
GA: But I Doubt The Empire Would Decide To Move In On A Planet So Quickly  
GA: If They Decided On One At All  
CC: True! T)(e –Empire moves so sloooowwwly.  
CC: Per)(aps t)(is would be to our advantage! 38D  
GA: I Am Going To Do The Thing Where One Only Uses A Question Noodle To Communicate Ones Query  
GA: ?  
CC: A)(a)(a)(a never mind.  
CC: You yac)(t to focus on preparing for the game! Rest up, w)(ale be needing you!  
CC: We all )(ave an important job to do!  
GA: I Suppose  
CC: Alrig)(t! It was nice glubbing at you!  
GA: Likewise  
CC: Sea you tomorrow!

\- cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -

* 

She awoke before her alarm and checked the time. There were two hours before high sun. Two hours to climb out of the recouperacoon, consume healthful amounts of nutrition, complete a few tidying chores around the house, and return to the slime of her coup. 

Two hours later, she checked the time again. Now. 

Holding the point of the needle steadily against her arm, she bit her lip and sank it in, then forced the plunger. There was just barely enough time for her to pull the empty needle away before she fell unconscious. All across her body, the jade veins began to light up with a bright neon hue. 

She woke up floating in a darkness made to mimic the bright, endless darkness of space, a black void set with endless tiny stars, a great openness so huge she gasped for breath, blinked her eyes, feeling as though she would drown. She felt as though she'd go blind with the pressure of massive expanse. It was terrifying, nauseating, and beautiful. But she didn't have long to admire it. 

Words lit up before her:

_Join Team_

And 

_Create Team_

She chose the first. 

_Team Name?_

There was a blinking line as though it were waiting for her to type something. Reflexively, before she could think about the fact that there was no keyboard, she filled it in. And then paused, wondering how she'd done it. 

_Double Mobius_

_Passcode?_

_t1ckt0ck8r8kH34DShonkHONK_

The space around her dissolved into blue light so intensely bright she had to close her eyes. 

Upon reopening them she found herself on a dimly lit landscape. The sky was most immediately apparent, with its kaleidoscopic assortment of colors and patterns. Heavy purple clouds and glassy curlicues floated at dramatic altitudes, complex compass stars were printed starkly against the flat blackness at the apex of the sky, and the crème-colored horizon was shot through with twisting rivers of yellow stripes. 

As she gawked that atrocious palette of hues, rays of blue light began to spear down from the heavens, shooting all the way to the ground. There was a collective gasp of appreciation and interest from behind her. 

Kanaya whirled, and saw a grouping of trolls, all decked out in black suits, symbols emblazoned at their throats in their blood color. 

She was silent, staring at them for a while. She could hardly remember the last time she'd seen another troll, much less one she was acquainted with. 

"Kanaaaaaaaaya!" one called, voice loud and enthusiastic, and its owner elbowed its way to the front. Kanaya's gaze fixated on the blue M on her jumpsuit. Vriska Serket leaped forward and grinned widely at her, teeth gleaming and primary fangs flexing with excitement. 

"Sweet rays, by the way! Mine contribution was way cooler, o8viously, you see those compasses?" Vriska whirled quickly on her heel and pointed out the magenta stamps on the sky, "But hey! Points for style, chica, you'd never let us down there!" 

Kanaya stared at her, wordless. 

_Oh no._

_She's hot._

"Most of us are in already. You won't even believe this but Karkat's suit has his symbol in goddamn grey, I was like! Ew? Really? Fuck you too, Vantas!" 

Vriska rolled her eyes and grinned. Kanaya couldn't say anything, and hurriedly averted her gaze away from Vriska's lips and to the bland, rocky landscape around them. 

"Oh come oooooooon, don't tell me Miss Fussy McWordypants is actually too shy to say anything IRL?" Vriska whined. 

Kanaya was saved from further embarrassment by another blinding flash of light. Vriska immediately craned her neck upwards, and whooped enthusiastically as a web of pulsing, interconnected teal droplets appeared low in the sky. 

The air was suddenly rent with mad, earsplitting cackling. 

"That'll be Terezi," Vriska said importantly, "Who else are we waiting on? Aradia hasn't shown yet. Neither has Eridan. Uhhhhhhh, Makara? Oh and Captor's coming in last, right, to make sure we all make it or whatever. Aw man, I can't w8 to beat the snot out of everyone else, ahahahahahahaha! Apparently there's one group of like, over nine thousand already, they just let in anybody or something awful like that? They must have one 8igass ugly planet! Loooooooosers! Our team is going to be the 8est ever, don't even, everyone else can Suck. It. Come on, little Ka _shy_ a, come meet everyone!" 

Vriska headed off loudly, and Kanaya helplessly followed. 

* 

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] started trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] –

AA: hello  
GA: How Is It That You Manage To Answer Before  
GA: Nevermind  
AA: so what is it you wanted to talk about?  
GA: Well  
GA: How Is Your Mission Going  
AA: hehe its always the niceties first with you  
AA: actually i just finished it was a piece of cake!  
AA: so you were saying?  
GA: Um  
GA: Well We Have Been Playing For Over A Week Now  
AA: 0_0 yes  
AA: as the ancient proverb says: time transports itself swiftly through the stratosphere upon metaphorical wings  
GA: Yes Well I Was Simply Putting Some Thought Into It  
GA: And It Cannot Be Healthy For Us To Be Asleep And Motionless In Our Recouperacoons For So Long  
GA: Could It  
AA: well probably not but there is nothing we can do about it  
AA: i am pretty sure it is part of the testing  
AA: arent adults supposed to be able to stay awake for whole perigees under stress or something ridiculous like that?  
AA: but then they have to go into hibernation sleep for ages too and anyway it is really preferable to keep up briefer sleeping blocksbr /> AA: maybe they are testing both things at once right now?  
AA: none of us have been able to fall asleep here since the beginning of the gamebr /> GA: True  
GA: Goodness I Hope I Am Not Emaciated When I Wake Up  
GA: And I Do Hope That I Wake up  
AA: nothing we can do kanaya! dont worry about it so much  
GA: I Suppose That Is Wise  
AA: was that all?  
GA: Well Yes  
AA: omg kanaya you are so silly sometimes  
AA: it has been a while since weve really talked to each other hasnt it?  
AA: there has to be something you have to share with me  
GA: Well  
AA: come on!  
GA: You First  
AA: pff 0_0  
AA: well i had to shut down equius so hard last... week was it?  
AA: shut down like one of his creepy robots shaped exactly like me i mean wow i am sure he has some redeeming qualities somewhere but i am not seeing them  
AA: he tried to hit on me black just five hours ago after the whole aradiabot fiasco and i had to shut that one down even harder  
AA: but things between sollux and i have been pretty great so theres that  
GA: Hold On I Have Been Meaning To Ask  
GA: Are The Two Of You Pale Or Flushed?  
AA: um?  
GA: Aradia Really  
AA: oh shut up! its complicated okay  
AA: not like you can talk  
AA: what is that thing you have with vriska anyway i am getting the feeling sometimes that it is not really pale  
AA: i could see you two ashen but that cant be right because she is steadily hooking up with terezi there  
AA: their union has all the inevitability of the heat death of this universe  
AA: so are you fluuuuuuuushed for the serket? shame on you for reprimanding me you hypocrite  
GA: Well You Have Nothing To Worry About Because We Are Completely Pale  
AA: mmmhmmmm  
GA: Please Stop Humming Suggestively This Instant  
AA: 〉:)  
AA: 〉 :)  
AA: 〉:)  
GA: That Is Not Even Your Thing That Is The Thing Terezi Does  
AA: it can so be my thing if i want  
GA: It Does Not Even Matter What Is Going On Between Me And Vriska Because Whatever It Is It Has Been Falling Apart  
GA: We Have Seldom Trolled Or Conversed For The Past Few Weeks I Have The Feeling She Does Not Reciprocate Any Of My Feelings Whatever They May Be  
AA: 0n0  
GA: That Looks Stupid  
AA: i know sorry i just could not think of anything else to say  
AA: have you tried talking to her?  
GA: Aradia Please  
AA: alright alright sorry  
AA: you need a moirail for this  
GA: Um  
AA: and just to be clear i am not hitting on you! i have that thing with sollux remember we still havent worked it out  
AA: not that i dont like you or anything you are really a nice person who needs to be cuddled sometimes  
AA: like anyone else but uh  
AA: omg i am just shooting my mouth off over here sorry  
GA: No It Is Quite Alright You Are Just Trying To Be Kind  
GA: You Are Quite A Kind Person Despite The Whole Inescapable Death And Destruction Thing You Obsess About  
AA: ...  
GA: ...  
AA: should we cut our losses and speak some other time?  
GA: That Is Probably A Very Good Idea  
AA: okay  
AA: bye then kanaya! i hope your thing with vriska will work out 0_0 you should try talking to her again  
GA: Farewell

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] -

* 

It was a quiet day on the Double Mobius' base planet. The monsters were settled down for once, and it appeared as though no one was targeting the planet's surface. Kanaya rode over the bright desert on the back of a Dunescraper Centipede and kept an eye on the skies, her limbs heavy from a deprivation of sleep. Nothing and nobody had attempted to penetrate their gameplanet's atmosphere since the second night, when Sollux had finalized the upgrade of the Threat Detection System to a Threat Neutralization System. The radioactive shooting stars of fallen spaceships had been a lovely sight to behold for those first few hours. 

But there were still guard duty planetside, assigned to two trolls and either Aradia or Sollux at all times. Everyone else was doing some kind of tactical conquering/sabotage mission or other on neighboring team's planets. 

At the moment Kanaya was patrolling the solar hemisphere, checking that the Detection/Neutralization towers scattered throughout were in full functionality. The astral hemisphere was being patrolled by Tavros Nitram. She'd been at this for a good six hours, but such blocks of time didn't mean much here. Before being deprived of true sleep for a good week and a half, Kanaya had never realized how essential it had been to making time seem less eternal, more meaningful and precice. She knew now that time wasn't so much an endless beast as a bottomless one. Bottomless and sleepless. 

Pulling up next to a towering tower, Kanaya dismounted her Centipede and paced around the structure, checking all the indicators and observing that all the blinky lights were, in fact, blinking. Satisfied, she remounted the Centipede and was about to go on her way when: 

\- adiosToreador [AT] started trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -

AT: sO, ,, uHH, hOW CLOSE ARE YOU, THAT IS, TO FINISHING YOUR SIDE OF OUR PLANET,?  
GA: I Am Afraid I Have Quite A Ways To Go  
GA: Why Do You Ask  
AT: wELL, iT'S JUST THAT, uHH,, SOME OF MY TOWERS ARE DAMAGED, , oR AT LEAST, THAT IS HOW THEY APPEAR, tO ME,, ,  
AT: aND i WAS SOMEWHAT,, YOU KNOW, CONCERNED, THAT THERE IS SOMETHING BAD HAPPENING,  
AT: i NOTIFIED sOLLUX FOR THE FIRST ONE,, HE SAID HE'D HANDLE IT BUT  
AT: sINCE THEN i'VE FOUND TWO MORE THAT ARE, MALFUNCTIONING, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,,, , tHEY ARE BLINKING LIKE CRAZY, OR NOT BLINKING AT ALL,

Kanaya looked back up at the tower, and saw that the light at the top that had been steadily pulsing red was suddenly going haywire. 

GA: Oh Dear  
GA: It Seems Like One Of Mine Is Doing Something Strange As Well  
AT: wHAT DOES THIS MEAN?  
GA: I Have No Idea  
GA: Stick To Your Tower If You Are Beside One And Wait For Instructions From Sollux  
GA: I Will Contact Him  
AT: oK, ,, ,

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling adiosToreadoer [AT] -

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] started trolling twinArmeggedons [TA] - 

GA: Tavros And I Have Noticed That Some Of Our Towers Are Behaving Oddly  
GA: What Do You Suggest We Do  
GA: Hello  
GA: Sollux  
TA: alright alright i'm here keep your underpants together  
GA: Um  
TA: uh right  
TA: riight 2orry don't worry ii'm ju2t runniing 2ome tests riight now  
TA: checking that the2e 2ucker2 are working alriight haha  
TA: iit'2 okay ii've got thii2 under control  
GA: Ah  
GA: I See  
GA: Thank Goodness I Was About To Get Concerned  
TA: yeah no worriie2  
GA: Bye  
TA: Bye

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling twinArmeggedons [TA] -

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] started trolling adiosToreador [AT] -

GA: Sollux Has Been Hacked  
TA: wHAT, , ,, iS THAT EVEN, pOSSIBLE  
GA: We Can Only Assume That Another Team Is Undermining Our Defenses At This Very Moment  
GA: I Will Notify Karkat  
GA: You Contact Everyone Who Is Not Currently On The Raid  
TA: hOLY SHIT, ,  
GA: Holy Shit  
TA: ,hUH?  
GA: There Is A Ship Landing On The Horizon  
GA: I Will Go Investigate  
GA: Change Of Plans You Notify Karkat As Well As Everyone Who Is Not Currently On The Raid  
GA: Acquire Backup For Me  
TA: kANAYA, i DON'T THINK,,

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT] -

Kanaya unlatched the skull of the Centipede and crawled in, settled herself into the driver's seat, and then kicked it into the fastest speed it could achieve, following the trajectory of the foreign ship as it descended through the layers of pattern and color in the sky, the hull gleaming with refracted light. Unfortunate though it was that the desert offered no cover, Kanaya was fairly certain that the ship could not yet see her, distant as she was. 

The ship sank through the final layer of teal teardrops and began to slow, descending steadily vertically toward a large sand dune. 

"Here we go," she muttered to herself, and tipped the joystick-antennae downward. The Centipede dove headfirst into the next dune, and sand filled the eyescreens. 

* 

"Well, that was easy," gloated a Nameless Brownblood as she disembarked the ship and set foot onto to hot sand, "So much for the notorious Double Mobius, this planet's as good as ours." 

"Seriously," agreed a Nameless Greenblood as he adjusted his protective helmet (it would not do to recieve HP damage from something as silly as sunlight), "What is it with every damn team and neglecting to keep an eye on their solarsphere? Fucking amateurs." 

Five large Terrain Traversers dropped feetfirst onto the sand from the belly of the ship and the team swarmed toward them, ready to embark on a full-on conquest of the unprotected planet. Their long, skittery legs grasped at the sand, clicking and whirring as they steadied, before lowering their round, matte-black bellies to a more accessible height. 

Just then, the sand beneath their feet went quicksand, and a massive black centipede towered up from beneath with an ear-shattering SCHREEEEEE, thrashing around in every direction, churning sand and havoc at the invasion group. In a well-coordinated, but extensive flurry of weapons, the centipede was finally brought down to a twitching, bloodied mess on the sand. 

"What a pain, seriously," complained a Nameless Blueblood, "Alright everyone, pile into your Traversers, we've got a planet to take over." 

There were no sounds of movement. 

"GUYS! That's a glub-damned order!" the Blueblood shouted angrily, and whirled around to give his troops a Stinkeye they were sure remember in their darkest moments. 

His troops lay on the ground, blood soaking brightly into the steaming sand. Five were decapitated, six sawn clean in half, and seven were still twitching with mortal wounds. Only the aforementioned Blueblood, Brownblood, and Greenblood were left. 

It suddenly became apparent to them why they didn't have names. 

"I Hope You Have A Life To Spare," said a voice serenely from behind the three frozen trolls, "Because It Is Game Over For All Of You Otherwise"

There was a sudden roar of a chainsaw as the three remaining trolls whirled back to face Kanaya, standing right behind them like a sunlit angel from hell. 

"A Jadeblood-" 

"You've got to be fucking kidding me-" 

"The fuck did she come from-" 

Ten seconds later, Kanaya looked down at all the bodies at her feet. Bending down delicately, she dipped one finger in the seeping blood of the Blue and brought it up to her tongue. Maybe it would be as sweet as her rainbowdrinker novels suggested? 

"Bluh!" Gross. Forget that. She stood back up and gazed contemplatively at the embarkment ramp. 

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -

CG: KANAYA YOU BETTER NOT HAVE DONE WHAT TAVROS SAYS YOU WERE DOING OR SO HELP ME I WILL SHIT A NOOSE OF FRUSTRATED AGONY AND STRANGLE MYSELF WITH IT.  
CG: I DO NOT WANT YOU GETTING KILLED OUT THERE YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW OF US LEFT WITH A DREAMSELF TO SPARE AND FURTHERMORE A SCREENSHOT OF YOUR SHREDDED, TORTURED CORPSE IS SO FAR DOWN ON THE LIST OF THINGS I WANT TO SEE IT'S DRILLING A HOLE RIGHT THROUGH THE BOTTOM.  
CG: PLEASE, WOULD YOU ANSWER ME ALREADY AND PALLIATE THE FUCK OUT OF MY WORST FEARS  
GA: Karkat I Am Perfectly All Right  
GA: In Fact I Have Already Dispatched The Team of Interlopers  
GA: Although Admittedly I Have Not Cleared The Ship They Descended On  
GA: But I Assure You I Can Handle Myself  
GA: Shouldnt You Be More Concerned About The Whereabouts of Sollux  
CG: NO  
CG: I SET ARADIA OUT TO FIND HIM BUT HE'S PROBABLY JUST TAKING A NAP ON-SHIFT, THE BULGEREEK.  
GA: I Am Reasonably Certain That Is Not True  
CG: KANAYA, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU  
CG: DO NOT ALCHEMIZE MY FULLY JUSTIFIED RAGE AT HIM INTO WORRY. I CAN'T TAKE IT.  
CG: I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO CHEWING HIM OUT FOR THIS. HIS FLESH AND GRISTLE WILL BE SO FINELY MINCED BETWEEN MY TEETH I'LL BE ABLE TO SAUTÉ IT IN A SINGLE FRYING PAN.  
CG: "UNHACKABLE DEFENSE SYSTEM" MY APOPLECTIC ASS.  
CG: HIS SUPERFLUOUSLY INFLATED EGO IS WHAT GOT US INTO THIS MESS.  
GA: Youre Being Rather Harsh  
GA: It Is Thanks To His Skill That We Have Been Able To Devote Almost All Of Our Forces To The Offense And Worry Little About The Safety Of Our Base Planet  
CG: I KNOW, I KNOW.  
CG: THE GUY JUST PISSES ME OFF.  
CG: ANYWAY, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T BOARD THAT SHIP ALONE. EXPRESS ORDER FROM THE LEADER, SENT SIGNED AND STAMPED ON A LITTLE GOLD POSTCARD, OKAY?  
CG: I SERIOUSLY DON'T WANT YOU TO BITE IT, I'D NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH MYSELF.  
CG: EVEN IF IT WEREN'T REALLY PERMANENT? MAYBE? WHO KNOWS WITH THIS GAME.  
GA: I Appreciate Your Concern Karkat But Really I Am Fine  
CG: LOOK, NEPETA'S ON HER WAY, WAIT UNTIL SHE GETS THERE BEFORE YOU STAMPEDE THE THING.  
GA: Alright I Suppose  
CG: GOOD, OKAY. I'M GLAD THIS WHOLE DEBACLE IS ALMOST IRONED OUT.  
GA: There Is Still The Fact That Sollux Is Out Of Contact  
GA: Not To Mention The Fact That The Defenses Are Still Down  
CG: I CAN ONLY HANDLE ONE CRISIS AT A TIME, FUCK.  
CG: YOU DO YOUR THING, NEPETA SHOULD LAND SOON. BE CAREFUL.  
CG: I'LL SEE IF I CAN EXTRACT EQUIUS TO DEAL WITH THE TOWERS.  
GA: Alright  
GA: See You Later  
CG: BYE.

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -

\- arsenicCatnip [AC] started trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -

AC: :33〈 purrlease send me your coordinates! *meowed the cheerful huntress*

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] send arsenicCatmip [AC] a map file! with coordinates! -

AC: :33〈 *the meowgnificant cat nods her head and purruses the file*  
AC: :33〈 *she sets her paws on the controls of her spaceship and whiskers away to help her furiend hunt down some pathetic mewling prey!*  
GA: Nepeta You Must Promise Me Never To Change  
AC: :33〈 mew mouset know that is a purrposterous purromise to ask of anyone.  
AC: :33〈 *said the huntress*  
AC: 33:〈 *ruefurlly*  
AC: 33;〈 *a sage tear in her feline eye*  
GA: I Have No Idea Why We Dont Converse More Frequently  
AC: :33〈 you wait right there okay!  
AC: :33〈 we are going to kick some serious butt together! :33

\- arscenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -

* 

Kanaya proved her merit in the wielding of chainsaws and also the wielding of plenty of other things that are designed to saw through flesh and bone. She passed with (quite literal) flying colors and was deemed fit to continue subsisting upon the Empire's benevolent graces. As a prize for surviving the game, she and her eleven teammates were given a printout of their Fleet profiles, as well as a God Tier Sylladex Modus, which is basically all of the handiness of a Sylladex and none of the headache.

Well, almost none. 

Kanaya keeps her Chastity Modus as backup, though. For Purely Sentimental Reasons. 


End file.
